


A Moment You'll Never Remember in a Night You'll Never Forget

by Ribbonlette



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Izaya's god complex, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribbonlette/pseuds/Ribbonlette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya may believe himself a god, but even gods struggle with the idea of being unwanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Moment You'll Never Remember in a Night You'll Never Forget

**Author's Note:**

> The song this is based around is "Hallelujah" by Panic! at the Disco and I highly recommend listening to it~

All you sinners stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
Show praise with your body  
Stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
And if you can't stop shaking, lean back  
Let it move right through ya (hallelujah!)  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
(Hallelujah!)

\----

Orihara Izaya believed himself to be a god. How could he be anything less after all? He walked the line between virtue and sin, offering help to those in need while encouraging the worst of traits in himself and others. 

Though he would never be the one to pull the trigger, he certainly had no qualms when it came to providing the gun.

Of course, who got the gun was also something he saw himself fit to judge. If a person's conviction did not meet his standard then he would refuse them, turn them away. 

But most importantly, he saw himself as above others. He could manipulate them at will, play with them as if they were his toys. Fashion himself as their god, whether by their own will and definition or his.

He loved all humans after all.

And all humans should love him.

\----

My life started the day I got caught  
Under the covers  
With secondhand lovers  
Oh, tied up in pretty young things  
In a state of emergency  
Who was I tryna be?

\----

Some nights however, Izaya finds himself playing the devil as well as god. Some nights, he allows his more human urges to seep into his work, turn negotiations into seduction and work to pleasure.

Izaya loves to see all sides of humanity after all. Even the most basic and primal instincts are fascinating in their own way.

That is of course how he ends up tangled in someone else's limbs, sliding between the silk sheets of a cheap love hotel. It's all too easy to find company on this side of town, what with the crowd of young adults, reveling in the new freedoms the night brings.

And if Izaya had purposely set up that meeting in a small club down the street where he knew he could easily sway a pretty little thing to join him for some fresh air, well... His clients do tend to be unstable and looking for something to hold on to, in more ways than one. Izaya is just so good at being that stability.

For a while, anyway.

Another bonus of sneaking off with a person like this is that they tend to have enough experience to be satisfying yet still remain "innocent" in such a way that Izaya can have control. Feeding his ego and pulling in another dependant follower all in one fell swoop. It's all just too easy.

Or, it's supposed to be. Unfortunately, Ikebukuro is a dangerous place for even a man as dangerous as Izaya. Everyone has enemies after all and despite precautions, Izaya's worst enemy just loves to sniff him out.

And being caught in the act by someone like Shizuo only ever ends in a chase, blood and bruises, rage thrown indiscreetly. Because Shizuo is a man of chivalry in many ways, someone who avoids the underworld and all the disgusting things people do behind closed doors. Or at least, he tries to anyway. Unfortunately, his mutually denied obsession with Izaya drags him in more often than not.

But that doesn't mean he approves.

\----

Then the time for being sad is over  
And you miss 'em like you miss no other  
And being blue is better than being over it (over it)

\----

It is that disapproval that leads to Shizuo chasing Izaya down. On a night where Izaya just happens to be enjoying himself it is only natural that Shizuo would sniff him out, burst in on him just as things are getting good.

Really, he should have seen this coming.

Somehow he didn't however and that is how he ends up having a standoff with Shizuo while missing his pants, with a lapful of pretty curves and long black hair.

"Honestly, Shizu-chan. Don't you know how to knock?"

"Ah-I... I did knock." Shizuo may be angry, but it seems even his anger isn't enough to keep him from being a blushing mess at walking in on such a scene. This fact has laughter bubbling up in Izaya's voice; considering how Shizuo is when they fuck, this is surprising and almost adorable. Izaya chalks it up to the fact that there's a mostly naked woman in the room that Shizuo doesn't know.

"Breaking down the door is not knocking, Shizu-chan."

"Sh-shut up, louse!"

Izaya just sighs. His head leans back to bump against the bedframe behind him. He can feel his partner trembling in his lap, tense as she pulls the blanket tighter around her. There's no way in hell he'll be able to get her to calm down now. She clearly knows who Shizuo is.

Finally, after running over everything in his head, Izaya carefully removes her from his lap and moves to stand up, murmuring quietly to her as he goes. "I'm terribly sorry, Ami-chan. It seems I need to take care of some business. I've already paid for the room, so you are welcome to use it for the night if you'd like."

Out of the corner of his eye Izaya can see Shizuo's disgusted scowl. He smirks. Why not just play with Shizuo a bit more while he has a shield in the form of his client? Izaya leans in and presses a soothing kiss to the girl's lips, being sure to draw it out as long as possible. When he pulls back Shizuo's face is an even brighter shade of red and he looks absolutely livid.

Perfect.

"There's a good girl. I'll talk to you soon, alright?" Izaya gives one last reassuring smile, hoping that Shizuo hasn't completely destroyed that connection. This girl has the potential to become a very faithful follower after all.

Luckily, this display has momentarily frozen Shizuo in place it seems, so Izaya quickly tugs on his pants and shoes, glad he hadn't removed his shirt yet. His jacket is grabbed and then he's breezing past Shizuo and out the door.

"Quit staring at the poor girl, Shizu-chan. Don't be so perverted."

And just like that Izaya starts running. He doesn't even wait until he hears the menacing growl of his name before taking off down the hotel hallway. Manic laughter is bubbling from his lips before he can stop it, filling the air with his hatred and glee. They make it out of the hotel without causing too much destruction, but as soon as they're out in the street there are street signs and vending machines raining from the sky and Izaya can do nothing but laugh.

He's angry. So very angry at Shizuo for messing up yet another meeting. And yet what else could he expect? That idiot protozoan always messes up his plans, coming in at the most unexpected times, and though Izaya may love humans screwing with his plans, monsters are a factor that he cannot stand.

Here he is despite that, trading insults and taunts, throwing blades and words just as sharp over his shoulder at the person he hates most in this world. Shinra says he should back off, try to give it up. Let some of the hatred go. But Izaya insists that's not possible.

After all Shizuo has put him through, hatred is far better than getting over it.

\----

All you sinners stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
Show praise with your body  
Stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
And if you can't stop shaking, lean back  
Let it move right through ya (hallelujah!)  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
(Hallelujah!)

\----

And it is exactly because Izaya refuses to get over it, to let his hatred go, that he finds himself more and more obsessed with the man he calls a monster. He continues in his downward spiral of nearly possessive hatred, bordering on something akin to madness (in every meaning of the word).

He plays with his monster, bothering him and taunting him, pulling him into fights that have no resolution. No healthy resolution anyway. They may end in the middle of the street, buildings and asphalt and street signs all twisted and broken in their wake. They may end on the rooftops, where Izaya manages to give Shizuo the slip, sliding through a window or out of sight with such fluid grace one might almost believe he melted into the shadows of the city. 

And of course, sometimes Izaya manages to rope Shizuo into one of the least healthy of endings, in an alleyway, a cheap hotel, one apartment or the other. In dark rooms; between silk sheets or scratchy blankets; on a thin futon or an expensive mattress. If they can even make it beyond the doorway, anyway. Sometimes it’s walls or chairs or couches. 

But no matter where it is, or what ending it has, each fight is sure to leave them both covered in bruises and scratches, breathless and spent, with a bad taste in the back of their throat. Hatred breeds hatred and adrenaline breeds exhaustion and vulnerabilities breed attachments that aren’t as easily broken as they both would like to believe. And despite attempts to refocus attention, to rewrite obsessions, even a self-titled god has difficulty changing their own inclinations.

A god’s attachment is a powerful thing and when it begins to consume them sometimes self control is an easy thing to lose.

\----

I was drunk and it didn't mean a thing  
Stop thinking about  
The bullets from my mouth  
I love the things you hate about yourself  
Just finished a daydream  
Who were you tryna be?

\----

Footsteps falter as Izaya stumbles up to the doorway and knocks. His movements are a bit sloppier than usual despite his attempts to keep himself composed. The scent of expensive wine still clings to his jacket, though he is beyond trying to disguise it.

He's visiting a monster after all; what's the point?

When the door doesn't open immediately Izaya knocks again, slight annoyance tinging his actions. He's gracing this protozoan of a man with his presence. The least he could do is answer his door in a timely fashion.

It's just as Izaya is running a hand through his hair and swaying dangerously to one side that Shizuo finally opens his door. He barely gets it open and starts greeting the person on the other side however before Izaya is practically falling through the doorway. Shizuo stumbles back, catching Izaya against his chest before he has registered who he is. Izaya has just enough coordination to shove the door closed with one foot before he's leaning back against it, his arms thrown around Shizuo's neck and pulling him close.

"I-Izaya-?"

"Heeey, Shizu-chan~" Izaya manages to keep the slur from his voice for the most part, though it is admittedly more difficult than he would like. Oh well. "You look ab-so-lute-ly idiotic. As per usual. Why do you gotta do that?"

Shizuo looks like he's fighting with his anger and confusion, trying to figure out how to react, and Izaya giggles. That expression is stupid and somehow adorable. Like a puppy, Izaya thinks. A puppy trying to be a wolf. Except Shizuo is a wolf, one that could easily rip his throat out. The thought sends a shiver down Izaya's spine.

"Izaya... What the fuck are you doing here?" Shizuo takes a breath and wrinkles his nose. "You reek of alcohol."

Another giggle slips past Izaya's lips before they're pressed against Shizuo's neck, tasting the salt on his skin. Shizuo stiffens. Izaya just smiles.

"Do I? Well, I was on a job at a bar, so that's not surprising. Someone must have spilled something on my jacket..." Lips graze along Shizuo's jaw and then he's pulling back, glowering down at Izaya. There's a pout on Izaya's lips even before Shizuo opens his mouth.

"...You’re drunk." The statement is short and blunt and Shizuo's displeasure is obvious. Izaya sighs. "Why the hell are you here? I'm not entertaining a drunk flea, so unless you want me to beat the shit out of you, you should leave."

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Shizu-chan!” Izaya’s pout is still on his face as he slips sideways, sliding around Shizuo with a grace that is quite remarkable for the amount of alcohol in his system. He makes it through the kitchen and into the living room before Shizuo has registered enough to follow him. 

“O-oi, get back here!” Izaya is leaning in the doorway of Shizuo’s bedroom when he finally comes into view. The look of rage on Shizuo’s face is absolutely delicious, pulling a wicked smile from Izaya in response. “I didn’t say you could come in, flea!”

“But Shizu-chan, you wouldn’t leave me out there in the cold, would you? How cruel~” Izaya’s smirk bleeds through his mock attempt to look hurt. Shizuo growls.

“Of course I would!” The retort comes out mangled and barely coherent, Shizuo’s rage slowly eating away at his ability to string together sounds into words, words into sentences. Izaya is sure that soon, the only sounds coming from Shizuo’s mouth will be grunts and growls of frustration.

That’s what he hopes for, anyway. So in his attempt to reduce his monster to nothing but hatred and base instinct, Izaya smiles. Smiles the way he knows drives Shizuo up the wall and lurches forward, stumbling across the room and back toward Shizuo. He’s slower and clumsier than usual but still manages to move with a fluid sort of grace that any dancer would envy.

Fumbling fingers close around the front of Shizuo’s shirt, pulling him forward. Strong hands catch on Izaya’s shoulders, pushing him away while at the same time managing to be the only thing keeping him standing. Izaya is dizzier, less balanced than he had thought. He feels about ready to fall over and vomit all over Shizuo’s feet from just this simple movement but no, he can’t do that, can’t show such a weakness. Can’t admit that maybe he is far past tipsy and even in this state - especially in this state - he can’t stay away from Shizuo.

“Yes, of course you would… Would rather I freeze to death than ever come to you.” A bitter laugh escapes. “That’s all you’ve ever wanted, isn’t it? For me to die. I hadn’t even said two words to you and you already hated me…” Izaya’s mouth is moving of its own accord and his mind is too busy trying to figure out what he’s saying to stop it. It’s fascinating, listening to himself talk while he feels like he’s floating outside of his body. A bit terrifying perhaps, but fascinating nonetheless.

“I… what?” Shizuo is clearly confused, caught off guard. Unsure of what Izaya is talking about or where this came from. But then, Izaya himself doesn’t know, would shrug and admit that he’s just as lost as Shizuo is if his brain had control of his body and mouth and he could admit to having anything in common with such a beast.

“You’ve always hated me, right from the moment you saw me. I didn’t even get a choice in the matter. That’s hardly fair, is it.” Izaya’s pouting, wobbling. He can feel something coming out of his mouth, something akin to emotions, and he doesn’t like it, doesn’t like it at all. But he can’t seem to stop it, can hardly think enough to remember that he wants to, because alcohol is singing in his veins and bottled up emotions are dancing on his skin, along with the sparks of adrenaline that threaten to overwhelm his lungs just from being in Shizuo’s vicinity and what is there to stop him? 

Izaya has always had venom on his lips but he never thought he could spew bullets like this as well.

“What if I didn’t want to hate you, huh?” Izaya’s eyes can’t seem to focus on the face he knows is right there, right in front of him. Instead he focuses everywhere else; the wall, the floor, the couch, the lamp. He can’t look at the man that has been an object of his obsessions, of his dreams, of his nightmares. Every waking moment is consumed by that strength and every sleeping one disturbed by it. It’s more than he can take.

He hates it.

“What if I was interested in you for other reasons, huh? What if there were things I liked about you?”

“Izaya-what are you saying-?”

“I love it.” It comes out a strange sort of plea at first. But then he says it again, firmer, and he can taste the venom back on his tongue. “I _love_ it.” He leans into Shizuo, pressing against him. Using him as balance even as his words wrap around him and trap his enemy in place. “Your strength. Your monstrous temper. How animalistic you get whenever I’m around. I love it so much…”

Thin fingers find their way into Shizuo's hair and force him to look down. His startled and vaguely disturbed expression is met with one of desperate, manic glee. Izaya’s expression is twisted, somewhere between pain - desperation - and happiness - adoration - all directed undiluted at Shizuo.

“I-Izaya, get off-”

“I’ve always loved it.” Izaya ignores Shizuo’s attempts to speak, keeps him locked in place with a near death-grip on his hair. He’s started now and he can’t bring himself to stop. “Loved the way you can so easily destroy everyone and everything around you. How you snap at the tiniest provocations. It’s so easy to get under your skin and it drives me insane!” Izaya’s smile is a gash across his face, a contortion of pain and mania and it might be the most terrifying thing Shizuo has ever seen. “It drives me so insane and I hate it so much! I hate that you get under my skin and I hate that I can’t get you out of my head and I hate that I love it so much!”

For a moment after this declaration there is nothing but silence. Izaya has certainly stopped breathing as he stares at the floor between their feet, not at all sure of what he’s doing. This isn’t what he came here for. This isn’t what he wanted to say.

He hadn’t wanted to say anything, to be honest.

\----

Then the time for being sad is over  
And you miss 'em like you miss no other  
And being blue is better than being over it (over it)

\----

Awkward silences are a painful thing and something Izaya strives to avoid. So as this one stretches out, he quickly determines that he has to end it. Even if in the most abrupt way possible.

He runs.

He turns away from Shizuo, stumbles to the door. Attempts to leave his horrible confessions behind. He doesn’t understand them after all, doesn’t know where they came from. Doesn’t want to face them. They are more than he can handle, more than he ever wanted to feel for any single being.

Hatred was not meant to twist and go this far. Hatred was supposed to be his safety. It was supposed to protect him from those things that he didn’t understand. As with humans his love was his protection, with his monster that is Shizuo it was his hatred. But now suddenly something is wrong and he doesn’t know how it could have happened.

But then, despite being an expert at twisting and playing with the emotions of others, Orihara Izaya was never able to identify such things so well within himself. He never was able to tell the difference between what was supposed to be positive emotions and what was meant to be negative emotions.

After all, the feeling of being betrayed and used by someone was supposed to be good, right?

\----

No one wants you when you have no heart and  
I'm sitting pretty in my brand new scars and  
You'll never know if you don't ever try again  
So let's try  
Let's try  
Let's try

\----

Shizuo catches him before he makes it out of the apartment. Grabs Izaya and drags him down, pins him to the floor and forces him to stay put and Izaya feels too jumbled with confusion directed at himself to really fight back.

For a moment, Shizuo just stares down at him. Actions stopped being thought through awhile ago and neither of them knows how to advance. This isn’t an expected development on either end and being suddenly forced to face the reality of the situation, they are at a loss.

“...I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” The tension in Izaya’s chest eases just a little with these words. If they can just pretend this didn’t happen, get back to the usual patterns, maybe nothing has to change. Nothing has to be disrupted. They can remain in their limbo of hatred and malice, continue their fights and ignore how their closeness is starting to spill over into something neither of them can control.

So in an attempt to move back into their familiar groove Izaya surges up, crushing his lips against Shizuo’s in a desperate attempt at anger and hatred. And in an answering attempt to stay away from anything too sensitive Shizuo ignores how Izaya can’t quite get the hatred right, how despite the force, the lips sliding over his are more desperate than angry. 

And Izaya can feel it in his stomach. That horrible burning that tells him nothing is quite right, nothing is how he wants it to be. But then Izaya doesn’t even know what it is that he wants so how can he know this isn’t it?

Hands begin to roam, fumbling everywhere and pulling bodies closer. Neither can be sure who is moving this along but it hardly matters as Shizuo’s lips work their way down Izaya’s neck and Izaya’s fingers fumble at the front of Shizuo’s pants. Heated breaths and sticky skin, sliding and pressing and grinding, and on any other night Izaya would be laughing.

Instead he’s just trying to ignore the voice in the back of his head reminding him why he’s here, why he shouldn’t be here, why this is a bad idea. Because no matter what they do, no matter how Shizuo makes him feel in the heat of the moment - small, human - amazing, infinite - _wanted, needed_ \- it will never be enough. It will never be enough because it will always be a lie, always be that shared lie that they tell themselves and each other. That they want each others’ company, that they enjoy their presence. 

But Izaya is a pretty little liar covered in scars and no one could want someone so heartless. 

Not even a beautiful monster covered in rage.

But rather than admit it, no matter how much they may want to, they continue their lie. Izaya continues their lie because maybe someday it will be true. Maybe someday they will wake up to a world where they are wanted, if not by said world then at least by each other. Even if it is twisted and hopeless and impossible Izaya continues to try.

To give in to those voices in his head telling him he’s wrong would probably kill him, after all.

\----

All you sinners stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
Show praise with your body  
Stand up, sing hallelujah (hallelujah!)  
And if you can't stop shaking, lean back  
Let it move right through ya (hallelujah!)  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
Say your prayers  
(Hallelujah!)

\----

And Izaya continues to believe himself a god.

He might as well. As long as he is a god, he is wanted in some way, at least. Even if it is just to be an object of someone’s hate, or a leader in a world consumed with chaos, or even a thing to be used by his beloved humans, however they wish. Even if it isn’t quite as fulfilling as it once was.

At the very least, he can keep these lies, keep himself above all his beloved humans, keep himself separate yet the same as his hated monster. As long as he is above them, wrapped in lies and armed with love and hatred, no one will see him clearly.

And if no one can see him clearly, then no one can see how his hands shake.

No one can see…

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I can't believe I managed to keep myself from posting this for so long. i finished it last month, but wanted to finish Moments before posting it and now... I still really like this one though. it took me forever to write, but I love it and I love this song. It's reminded me of Izaya since it first came out and I knew since then that i wanted to write something with it... it just then took me all summer to actually write!! but it's done and i like it and I hope you did too!! Thank you!!


End file.
